Tone Policing

Tone policing is a thing in the autistic community. A big thing. I’m part of a Facebook group where one of the rules is “No tone policing”, and it gets taken SERIOUSLY. What this means is that you’re admonishing someone for the tone of their message rather than the content. For autistic people, is a necessary ask/demand to refrain from tone policing, and I’ll explain why. Communication as an autistic person is hard. There is a LOT of energy and effort that goes into the many aspects of having back and forth communication, with the tone probably being the least important to an autistic person. Getting the message out as best as possible is what matters to us. For some autistic people, adding in emotions, facial expressions and tone to match the message can truly be too much of an ask. The cry behind telling people to stop tone policing is to focus more on the message than the delivery.

I get it. I also struggle with being “tone policed” in different ways, even if I am not vocal about it, but sometimes I want to scream because it makes me feel like I would rather not say anything at all. Because sometimes the message comes out how it comes out. For me, the fact that it’s getting out rather than staying in my head is a big win! (I will do another blog post on communication because I have some stories!!!)

Here’s the problem. The world doesn’t care about only the message. Tone absolutely matters to most people. You know that trend going around where people say the same phrase but express it in different ways (surprise, anger, etc?) That’s exactly why tone matters.

Recently I got tone policed for a message I wrote in a chat, and I completely understand. I still don’t think it was that bad because in my mind I was simply being direct and saying what I felt needed to be said, but I fully acknowledge - especially based on my history of “harsh” messages - that I was in the wrong on that occasion. When there is a unanimous vote that I could have said what I said better, I cannot be wrong and strong. Although I had a disclaimer at the end of my message that I knew I was being harsh, that clearly wasn’t enough to absolve me from judgement. Everyone was in agreement with WHAT I said, but the clear problem was HOW I said it.

The difference though, is how the tone policing came across. Everyone in the group was fairly gentle and non-confrontational about it, and basically said matter-of-factly: “yeah, that was harsh.” Ironically, their own tones made it so much easier for me to see my own errors. What I took from it was that the next time a situation arises when I want to “jump out mihself” (because, trust, there WILL be a next time!) I am going to send it privately first to “vet” before sharing with a larger group. This allows me ensure that the message will be received as intended - with both the message and the tone conveying what I want to, in the way that it should be sent. This also doesn’t “dim my light” or silence me in any way, or try to make me more neurotypical. It’s driven by me, but with guidance from a neurotypical to make sure the neurotypicals will “get it.” It’s almost like checking to make sure something is culturally appropriate.

On a wider note, it’s another reminder that within the “autism bubble”, there may be an inherent understanding of each other because we may share some experiences; however when we mix and mingle with everyone, there should be some mutual understanding and empathy from both sides to know that information may be interpreted differently. This continues to be an issue (double empathy problem), but it only gets better when we have opportunities for all neurotypes to interact and learn from each other.