A Tale of Two Spills

Last week I opened the fridge and a bottle of kombucha that I had JUST bought promptly fell out on to the floor, very narrowly missing my foot. It busted open and I was too stunned to do anything but watch every last drop spill out and run everywhere. Mummy saw it happen (she was the one who put it in the fridge) and I was pretty angry because I thought she had maybe put it too close to the edge of the shelf. Initially I didn’t clean it up right away because there was SO much going on internally: I was angry, annoyed, and VERY irritated about my feet being wet because I strongly dislike that sensation. Plus the thought that $38 was just wasted! I stood there rooted for a bit but then slowly went about whatever it was I was doing before. I ended up cleaning up a while after. Two things stood out to me after this incident: I felt that I was outwardly calm very quickly. Apart from the initial anger, I got it together pretty fast and went about doing everything “normally”. However, this was not the case! That’s only how it looked on the outside! What really happened is that it took a few HOURS for me to fully recover and truly feel regulated. Even though my day continued, on the inside I could feel that I wasn’t ok. Because I’m autistic, I know I have to pay attention to my sensory and regulation needs to make sure things don’t get out of hand. That day, I knew I had to take things easy until I felt better, otherwise it would slowly etch away until I’d had enough. But even though I had some downtime after that incident, my insides still felt like a cyclone.

Today, I made some cashew milk with cashews I had been soaking since last night. Eager to try a new recipe, I lifted the blender mug to pour into the filter bag when the bottom part of the blender detached. In one second, the kitchen floor, counter and my pants were covered in cashew milk! Again, not even a teaspoon could be salvaged for me to taste it! Similar to last week, I stood staring and not knowing quite what to do first (good ole executive dysfunction for ya!) Not similar to last week, I wasn’t angry this time. Shocked and upset by the wastage of my good good expensive cashews and time taken to soak them, and once again irritated that my feet were wet, but not angry. Once my senses kicked in, I pulled out the plug first since the blender and cord were covered, and got to work cleaning it up right away before Mummy could see; because even though I wasn’t too overwhelmed, I was still in no mood to have a conversation about it. And trust me, this cleanup was ten times worse!!! About half an hour after the fiasco, I told Mummy about it and we joked around. I went about my day feeling regulated inside and out.

Similar stories, different outcomes; what was the difference? I’m not sure! Maybe last week there was more happening beforehand because I would have gone to the grocery just before, and that’s usually a nightmare. Maybe this time because I knew it was my fault, I couldn’t place the blame? Maybe I'd gotten more sleep because the neighbour's dog calmed down the last few nights? Who knows? What I was happy about - for my own growth - was that both times, my emotions didn’t get the better of me. The pause before doing anything and taking some deep breaths helped, because otherwise I think I might have wanted to throw anything that was within reach!

When we hear the phrase “big emotions” it’s so often associated with children, but adults show their big emotions more than we think! Watch what happens on the road! Not just bad drives: the aggression, the speed, the selfishness. It’s all adults who can’t manage their emotions well enough to stay safe and mindful on the roads. Apart from driving, big emotions are evident everywhere! On the news, in comments under posts, in group chats. There is so much anger, tension and aggression all around!

So let’s take a moment for some introspection: what do you do when you experience big emotions? How do you react? More importantly: how does your child see you react? How do you want your child to see you behave when you are managing your big emotions? What they see is what they will emulate.

Let’s try to be more mindful of our emotions and model some strategies for our children, so that we don’t contribute to an angry society.